Issue link: https://digital.copcomm.com/i/96458
and as we all know, the holidays can be pretty stressful. We stuff ourselves into overcrowded cars, planes or buses, race around the mall in a frenzy, and spend time with our families, with whom we often revert to patterns of interaction we were sure we'd long outgrown. We sleep in unfamiliar beds and change our eating and exercise habits, and the centerpiece of all the hoopla, the tradition of gift-giving, gives way to a diplomatic parry. in our eagerness to ind something—anything!—that will please, or at least satisfy, people on our lists, it's easier and faster to just grab some gift cards and be done with it. But gift cards are the antithesis of mindful giving. stores love prepaid gift cards; many people never get around to using them, which leaves the inventory on the shelves to be paid for again by someone else. and as presents go, they are the perfect representation of a lack of awareness and connection between people. one-size-its-all, they are the sad material evidence that we are not trying to connect personally with others, that, in fact, we hardly know one another. Why We Do It it's true that values lie at the heart of living a mindful life, but in terms of our relationships with others and of giving gifts, they are only half the story. "true generosity may have some aspect of really wanting another person to be happy and seeing if that gift is going to increase that happiness. if you value environmentalism, but your uncle doesn't, then giving an environmentally sensitive gift isn't going to mean anything to him," notes diane Winston, director of education at the ucla Mindful awareness research center and co-author of the book, Fully present: the science, art and practice of Mindfulness (da capo). the key, she explains, lies in staying present with another person. she suggests investigating your intentions: do you give to elicit a particular response—admiration, for example—or to buy someone else's esteem? do you give because you feel you must? or do you use the opportunity of choosing and giving a present as an expression of connection, whether or not there is a close bond between you? it's not always easy, even Winston acknowledges that. "often our motives are mixed," she says. "We truly want to give, but we're also busy and want to get through the chore. But mindfulness is the art of paying attention with openness, curiosity and a willingness to be with what is. the main thing is to be present. a mindful meditation practice can make us more available to our inner life, but also to others." the challenges are often practical, too. some people on our lists, such as spouses or young children, we know relatively well. With others, our relationships may be based on knowledge that is years or decades old, or never really existed. if the only time you see your uncle is at an annual holiday celebration, you probably have no clue as to whether or not he values eco-awareness. But we can take small steps to become more mindful—about exchanging gifts and weathering the holidays overall. looking within yourself to ind ways to be more at peace—not just about gifts but when faced with another heavy holiday meal or family gathering—can allow you to be more present in those moments. even if relationships with some of the people on your list remain tenuous, feeling less stressed will allow you to begin to pay closer attention to them in a more genuine way. their likes, dislikes and values may come into higher clarity than ever before, so that while it may be too late for a truly thoughtful gift in 2012, you can pick up clues that will make you a better gift-giver a year from now. in the end, mindfulness isn't really about choosing a perfect holiday gift for your uncle. it's a method of being present in the moment and becoming more attuned to yourself and others. Building up that kind of attentiveness can take time and energy, so here's a good place to start: this year, swear off gift cards. n ...mindfulness is the art of paying attention with openness, curiosity and a willingness to be with what is. MindfulGiving.indd 29 December2012/January201329 11/27/12 3:20 PM