Issue link: https://digital.copcomm.com/i/635319
pattern is the fi rst step toward making a diff erence. Adults who were emotionally, physically or sexual- ly abused as children o en fear getting close in their relationships. Even those who marry tend to fi nd ways to keep an emotional distance from their partner be- cause "deep down, they associate intimacy with danger," said Brown. Another common scenario: "Kids whose parents fi ght a lot tend to blame themselves. And as adults, they may take on too much responsibility in their own marriages, to try and do a lot of fi xing. is is well intentioned but misguided because the spouse usually resents it. No one wants to be 'fi xed.' We want to be heard and comforted." THE RIPPLE EFFECT e Russian author Tolstoy said that all happy families are alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. And based on the examples around us, it does seem there are countless ways troubled families can have a harmful eff ect on children. Conversely, those who grow up in relatively happy, sta- ble families o en become well-adjusted adults with lov- ing relationships. Such families tend to have in common certain parenting skills and other behaviors that contrib- ute to a healthy environment for their off spring. Whether you're trying to fi x problems in your own re- lationship or have a positive impact on a generation that will follow you, these are important ideas to keep in mind: • Nurture your marriage. "Lots of studies suggest the single most important factor in a child's adjustment is parental confl ict," said Brown. "Generally, the less con- fl ict between parents, the better adjusted the kids will be. And if the marriage is having problems, a couple should get help." What if marital confl icts can't be fi xed? While divorce is o en psychologically damaging to children, many experts now believe growing up in an embattled home may ultimately be more harmful. Staying together solely "for the sake of the children" is not necessarily do- ing them a favor. • Communicate well. " e ability to resolve confl ict by talking things out is extraordinarily important," said Sin- clair. Children learn that it's okay to express anger and frustration as long as it is done in a non-abusive manner. • Be honest emotionally. "Expressing disappointments and frailties is just as important as expressing more positive feelings," said Sinclair. When a child sees that his parents can acknowledge having diffi culty, he is more likely to feel comfortable talking about his own problems. • Show a ection. When parents demonstrate warm feel- ings, not only for their kids but for each other, the chil- dren benefi t. "Children model what they see their parents do," said Lipton. "If parents want their kids to have good intimate relationships as adults, the best they can do is practice what they preach." Giving a hug, off ering a compliment, engaging in aff ec- tionate banter, all are ways for parents to let their children know they "love, enjoy and admire each other," said Sin- clair. Growing up in an environment where such feelings are expressed comfortably and freely "makes it easier for the child to show aff ection." Most relationships have challenges, and o en kids rec- ognize when there's a problem, even if they can't verbalize it. But disagreements are a part of life, and a perfect op- portunity to teach kids how to work through them in a positive and loving way. february/march 2016 27