Issue link: https://digital.copcomm.com/i/635319
ey don't have to be the epitome of mental health; they just have to want to do this, like you do. Is there a downside to online dating? e problem with these applications is that it gives the impression of plenty, which feeds an addiction. ere's an addictive aspect to love, but it's an addiction that comes from face-to-face, eye-to-eye and even skin-to-skin contact, not a fantasy from a photograph. So that means we have to meet, but if I have this endless stream of faces and pictures to swipe, then it becomes a lit- tle bit like a slot machine. I begin to get addicted to the process, and I no longer become interested in connecting or attaching to anybody. Now this is not true across the board, but it's true for a lot of people. Here's the problem with it: In terms of the human brain, we like a lot of choices, but we're not happy with them. e more choices we have, the less happy we are. We're happy when we have one or two choices and then we choose and we go all in. at's true of buying a car, choosing a career, looking where to move... all of that. What should people be looking for at the start of a relationship? e skill set necessary for dating is one that's necessary for relationships in general, because basically you're dealing with strangers and you're learning about them as quickly as possible with- out being intrusive—and you're allowing yourself to be learned. If they don't fi t into what you think the relationship should be, they don't have simi- lar values to you in terms of how you feel about this, they should be out of the running, but peo- ple aren't thinking that way. ey're not thinking about the long run, they're thinking about the short term. e other mistake people make is by being so self-aware that they're not paying attention to de- tails—they're not watching the face, studying the face, studying the eyes, studying the body. Part of the joy of getting to know someone is really being present and paying attention. A lot of people who go on dates are not. ey're self-referential, they don't give and take, they don't look interested and they're not present. at is a problem not only for dating, but for any kind of relationship. Some people look on line to add someone to the mix. Can a good relationship have more than two people in it? ere's been a poly pop- ulation from the begin- ning of time. e nice thing about today is that there's much more free- dom and acceptance in terms of sexuality. In my experience, I've yet to meet a polyamorous relationship that has worked out. It doesn't mean they don't, but there's a problem generally speaking, because the human animal tends to pair. If you and I become a primary attachment relationship, and we bring others in, there will be problems if you and I are no longer primary. is is true even in polygamous cultures, say in Af- rica, where even though there are a lot of wives, there's always one specifi c one who's the head, and this is the one that the husband goes to when he's in distress or wants to celebrate. We still have a primary other, even if we're polyamorous, and the question is whether that can actually exist in the long run. I haven't seen it happen that way. What do you say when someone asks, "How do I meet somebody?" People meet at Starbucks, they meet at book clubs. If you're in your home all the time, in one place, and no one sees you, what are the chances? It's a numbers game. e more people you're exposed to, the more people you meet, the better chance you have of fi nding somebody who clicks. february/march 2016 25