Issue link: https://digital.copcomm.com/i/522093
By Wendy Strgar I 've been making love with the same man for some 30 years and although I can honestly say it has gotten amazingly, in- creasingly better over the decades, it's important to add that this improvement was in direct proportion to the work and will- ingness we both brought to growing up sexually. To be honest, my earliest memories of sex hold as much frus- tration as they do passion. Longing for the sexual combustion that would not only fi ll me up but also unite me with my partner, yet not having any real skills to get us there, made much of our sexuality an exercise in approach/avoidance. Most of us know little about sex when we fi rst start doing it. Hopefully we have correct names for body parts and these days we might have seen enough free porn online to have an idea about the fi ction of sex, but the actual vulnerable ex- change of our sexual selves remains shrouded in mys- tery, or worse still, shame and embarrassment. As we get older we may reminisce about youthful sex that literally took our breath away, the kind of carnal hunger that gave us no choice but to submit to the will of our sexual body. But we forget how often the magic imploded. We repress the memories of when someone came too quickly or someone else's passion dried up with not enough lubrication and burning genital tissue. We did not know why it worked when it did, or how to make it work again. Often we relied on substances to reduce the inhibition that also inhibited our ability to remember and learn. Our sexual immaturity made us pout, blame each other and wait angrily in another room for the other to apologize, taking us far from the connection we both craved. Moving toward our sex life felt risky, even with random good orgasms on this bumpy path. We were green not only with each other, but even more within our own sexuality. Growing up sexually happened in my marriage as we stopped holding each other responsible for both generating and fulfi ll- ing our sexual desires. When I stopped expecting my mate to make me feel sexy, and committed to fi nding the sexy place in myself, I stopped saying no when the conditions weren't as perfect as I hoped. As I became more willing to meet him in the mystery of what might happen, he became more willing, too. Even more important was when I began learning about the many ways I didn't know my own sexuality, and took responsibility for the sexual discoveries that were mine to make. As I found the erotic spots that sang for me and what kinds of touch made me light up, I had a language to share how I wanted to be touched. This practice also helped me get over the shame of touching myself in front of my partner. Getting over fear about saying what I liked, asking for what I wanted, inspired the same in him. A new freedom was breathed into the narrow routine of our self-limiting sexual behavior. Immature ways of dealing with our sexuality and per- vasive mythologies about passionate sex persist for many people late into adulthood. We continue to resist taking responsibility for our own sexual desire, thinking someone else holds the magic to make us feel sexy. We delude ourselves into thinking real love is supposed to feel like falling in love all the time. As we get older and invest ourselves more deeply in all aspects of our lives, not only are we unable to physically sustain the intense out-of-our-minds euphoria of early biological attraction, but it distracts from the more mature forms of loving. Discovering our capacity of arousal and fi nding a safe haven to comfortably push our boundaries is how sex evolves into the amazingly transformative and healing relationship glue that it is. It is also the path to fi nding out who we really are. —Wendy Strgar, writer, teacher and loveologist, is the found- er and CEO at Good Clean Love, makers of Almost Naked 95 percent-organic lubricant. The pervasive mythology that makes it diffi cult to discover satisfying adult sexuality GROWING UP SEXUALLY healthy living SEX TALK 14 wholelifetimes.com