Issue link: https://digital.copcomm.com/i/506691
April 27 - May 18, 2015 23 Working World l WorkingWorld.com helps bond people. "We just like spending time with people who don't hide behind a flawless façade," says O'Reilly. "People who pretend to have perfect lives just aren't that interesting—and they may even be annoying." BRING BACK THE LOST ART OF LETTER WRITING. This notion may seem outlandish in the "easy" days of high-tech communication, but the rarity of letters is what makes them so effective. The time and thought it takes to craft a handwritten letter really says, "I'm thinking about you." Plus, letters are fun to get. Even a well-chosen card with a short but meaningful note is incredibly powerful. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR "BEST FRIEND" IN A YEAR, MAKE A DATE NOW. We can insist all day that we cherish some- one but if we won't go out of our way to see her, is it really true? "Have you ever heard the line 'Show me your calendar and your checkbook and I'll show you your priorities'?" says O'Reilly. "It's so true. And no matter how busy you are there's no way every day of the year is so booked up that you can't find a few hours to hang out with a dear friend." PLAN REGULAR WEEKEND GETAWAYS WITH GIRLFRIENDS. Spa trips and beach vacations are great, of course, but if you can't afford that, an over- night stay in a nearby city can work won- ders for your relationship. "When you can stay up into the night chatting, you delve into deeper territory than if you have to eat dinner while watching the clock and then race home to the kids," says O'Reilly. "And speaking of kids: Don't bring them. This is a getaway, remember." INCLUDE A FRIEND IN SOMETHING YOU'RE ALREADY DOING. (EXERCISE IS ALWAYS GOOD.) This is a great way to integrate relation- ship building into an already jam-packed life. For instance, you might invite your friend to join your Zumba class, or have her meet you at the rec center for a power walk while your kid is at baseball practice. If it's a recurring event, so much the bet- ter—she will become part of the fabric of your life, and the regular doses of time together will deepen your friendship. MAKE BIRTHDAYS SPECIAL (NOT OBLIGATORY). Facebook messages or texts don't count. Neither does grabbing the first card you see at the drug store. Put a little thought into it. You don't have to buy an expensive gift, but a book you know she'd like is great. Sharing a bottle of her favorite Chardonnay after work is even better. "A small token that says, 'I know who you are or what you like,' or a few hours stolen from a hectic week that says, 'Your special day deserves my undivided attention,' can mean a lot," says O'Reilly. MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF YOUR FRIENDS' IMPORTANT MILESTONES. Whether you're celebrating good news or expressing sympathy over not-so-good news, go out of your way to acknowledge what has happened. "Set aside an evening to make a phone call that you don't try to rush," advises O'Reilly. "Or send a thought- ful letter. Or take her out to dinner. The idea is to let your friend know, 'This is im- portant to you, so it's important to me.'" THAT THING THAT'S BEEN BOTHERING YOU ABOUT YOUR FRIEND? GET IT OUT ON THE TABLE. No one is saying to be confrontational. But also don't allow your worries to go unspo- ken or for resentments to fester. Withhold- ing your genuine feelings puts up a wall between people. "Real relationships can handle the truth," insists O'Reilly. "They'll be richer and deeper for your bravery." IN BUSINESS RELATIONSHIPS, SINCERELY SEEK OUT WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP THE OTHER PERSON. Rather than asking, in effect, "What can you do for me?" ask, "What can we cre- ate together?" This is the essence of what O'Reilly calls Connecting 2.0. "You're creating a dynamic that works better, and feels better, than the shallow, self-serving business card exchanges that most people think of as networking," she explains. CONNECT WITH PEOPLE ON LINKEDIN. BUT CALL THEM WHEN YOU DO. LinkedIn is a valuable tool for connecting with colleagues and looking for jobs. Yet too often we use it as a quick and easy substi- tute for true relationship building. Go ahead and reach out on LinkedIn or even ask for a recommendation, advises Dr. Nancy—but don't let that be all you do. "Call and ask first," she advises. "It will make an impact and you will be remembered. No one ever does this so it will really set you apart." EMAIL IS CONVENIENT, BUT FOR COMPLEX PROBLEMS, PICK UP THE PHONE (OR EVEN MEET IN PERSON). There is absolutely no substitute for the "give and take" of a conversation to clarify crucial issues, resolve misunderstandings, and innovate solutions. Plus, regular con- versations add a deeper dimension to your business relationships that may serve you well in the future. WITH FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND BIZ ASSOCIATES, GET MINDFUL. Tune out all distractions and really focus on what the other person is saying. Don't just half-listen or go through the motions. "Of- ten when we're talking to another person our mind wanders," says O'Reilly. "Instead of giving her our full attention, we may be focusing on what we're going to say next or formulating our own story to try to trump hers. It takes conscious work to break these bad habits, but it can be done." FROM TIME TO TIME, TAKE "WORK" FRIENDSHIPS OUT OF THE OFFICE. We spend so much time with coworkers that it's natural to develop a strong bond. But even if you both love your job, talking about work projects all the time can make for a pretty one-dimensional relationship. Shake things up by meeting for after-work drinks or having dinner now and then (and don't let the conversation drift back to the office). ONCE IN A WHILE, SHOW UP IN PERSON AT THE BANK, OR THE INSURANCE OFFICE, OR THE ACCOUNTING FIRM Sure, you can often handle this business over the phone but don't settle for im- personal transactions every time. These are relationships that really can have a big impact on your life, so it just makes sense to nurture them. "Your banker, your insur- ance rep, your accountant—they all have a professional interest in serving you, but they'll almost certainly do a better job for those they like," says O'Reilly. "We all do this." Here's the thing: It's natural to want to improve efficiency, to conserve our energy, to make our lives easier and less stressful. Yet a great life is about more than sur- vival—and when we neglect relationships, we're cheating ourselves of the full human experience. "Great relationships take time and ef- fort," says O'Reilly. "But living without them is like living without bright colors, or ice cream, or music. Sure, you could do it, but why would you want to?" ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Nancy D. O'Reilly, PsyD, is an author of Lead- ing Women: 20 Influential Women Share Their Secrets to Leadership, Business, and Life and urges women to connect to help each other create a better world.