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By Wendy Strgar "The way you make love is the way God will be with you." ~Rumi W e all know the power of make-up sex to smooth re- sidual rough edges after painful upsets in relation- ships. Yet rarely do we consider sexual intimacy as a transformative healing force in dealing with the overwhelming grief that comes with the death of a loved one. It hadn't real- ly occurred to me until recently when I was lost in grievous re- grets upon my father's death, and found myself reticent to tap into my own libido. Many of us are not skilled in the grieving process, and it can seem incompatible with sexual desire, even disrespectful of the loss. And yet, there is something deeply pri- meval in the connection between making love and the end of life, as though all the procreative forces that have ever been contained in the act come together as a shield, protecting us from death's certainty while holding us fi rmly to the ground of life. In fact, the raw emotional content of grieving death is some of the most powerful fuel you can offer to your sexual fi re. Grief strips away pretense, making it easier to arrive at the naked vulnerability in which passionate sex is steeped. We fall more deeply into the body's hunger and experience feeling as a vis- ceral truth, not a mental exercise. Tapping into our sexuality at times of extreme grief strengthens our connection between the body and time itself. We can feel our mortality on a cellular level because we connect intimately. Inviting sound out of our sexuality is powerful and healing, but nowhere more so than at this juncture of sexually healing our grief. Allowing the moans and cries that are held inside to be released with pleasure is profoundly healing and balances our grief with gratitude. Sadness, anger, fear and depression are all normal respons- es to death, but it is easy for those emo- tional energies to dominate our entire view of life. Sexual pleasure affi rms life in the most essen- tial of ways—know- ing that even in our deepest sadness, there is the light of release and plea- sure living inside us. This past week, when I was bringing food over to some friends deep in the throes of grieving the death of their beautiful daughter, I had an urge to include some essential oil and lubricant in the bag. I didn't, because I was afraid they would feel, as I had, that encouraging sexuality would somehow disrespect their loss. But now I wish I had risked it, because loving each other deeply and viscerally is the cure to what breaks our hearts. Grief heals through the body and nowhere more deeply than in the coura- geous act of making love. Wendy Strgar, writer, teacher and loveologist, is the founder and CEO at Good Clean Love, makers of Almost Naked 95 per- cent-organic lubricant. Make passion part of the healing process SEX TALK: SEX AND DEATH whole living 16 wholelifetimesmagazine.com