The SOMM Journal

April / May 2018

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30 { THE SOMM JOURNAL } APRIL/MAY 2018 Dear Good Somm/Bad Somm, I recently dropped a three-liter bottle of Champagne on a nightclub floor in front of a huge crowd of people. It was posted all over the internet (thanks, club kids with Snapchat) and ended up going viral. I'm so humiliated that I haven't been able to show my face in public since. How can I possibly bounce back? Sincerely, Mortified Somm Dear Mortified Somm, Own it! The best lessons in life are taught by the most epic failures, and the key to improving is to learn from every single mistake. Humiliating moments become all the more embarrassing when they rack up thousands of online views, but think of it this way: You're getting an instant replay. Anyone at the top of their game has the ability to relive moments where they've fallen and gotten back up, and next time you're in that situation (if there is a next time!), you'll know exactly what to do. Focus on what you can control, and remember that one day you'll be able to look back on this and laugh. You're only human, after all. All the best, Good Somm Dear Mortified Somm, Thanks to social media, working in a nightclub surrounded by Millennials with smartphones is more dangerous than ever (#First - WorldProblems). Everyone feels the need to show off every single thing they do to all of their "friends" who are too busy looking for their own stuff to brag about. Long story short, we need to be extra careful with every move we make—no somm wants to be the laughingstock who had the double magnum blow up all over him in front of a couple hundred people. Your curse here is also your blessing, though. Social media makes everyone have really short attention spans, and they'll fixate on some other dumb viral video any day now—leaving you to get back to work with your dignity (relatively) unscathed. I gotta say, though: Next time, keep a thumb on it, dude! What were you thinking?! Yours, Bad Somm Dear Good Somm/Bad Somm, I'm thinking of getting a wine tattoo. Any suggestions? Sincerely, Wine Tattoo Virgin Dear Wine Tattoo Virgin, Before I help you brainstorm, really ask yourself if this is a good idea. Are you in an altered state at the moment? What's the real motivation behind this spontaneous decision? Perhaps you should sleep on it before you commit to following through. Remember that whatever you choose, you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life. Best, Good Somm Dear Wine Tattoo Virgin, Why is everyone always trying to make being a somm less nerdy? We're not bikers or sailors or rappers or porn stars—we're geeks. No corkscrew tattoo on your arm or grapevine ink around your neck will ever change that. Save that money and go buy some new flashcards, bow ties, and pocket squares. Yours, Bad Somm Please note that this column is a parody and does not reflect the views of The SOMM Journal. Follow the columnists at @goodsommbadsomm on social media and/or visit their page at

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