Issue link: http://digital.copcomm.com/i/253816
And if you do find out that your beloved is cheat- ing on you, how do you take the moral high ground once you've gone to intrusive lengths to find out the truth? Relationship expert Fran Creffield cautions, "Imagine your next partner asking how you discovered your last partner's infidelity, when you explain how you hacked into their email and read their messages. You take that history into the next relationship." Snooping might also reveal that your partner has been dissing you to friends. In other words, if your partner isn't sleeping with your best friend but has been complaining about your annoying intimate habits, what can you do with this information? It would be difficult to confront someone without betraying your own sneaky behavior. "People tell me they want concrete proof for their sanity because each time they question their partner they feel they are being lied to or are told they are paranoid and imagining things," says Verity. "ey don't realize that once you get to the stage that you are even thinking about having to check up on your partner, the trust has gone. Infidelity is not just about sex; it's not telling your partner something, whether that's an affair or another secret part of your life." Infidelity, as noted writer Anthony Burgess once said, is the most creative of sins, and in response, we have come up with some other creative responses: e Checkmate In- fidelity Test Kit promises to cause semen traces to show up bright green. e Detection Powder leaves a black stain, and there's a UV version that shows up with a UV flashlight (though that leaves you with the tricky challenge of planting the powder in your best friend's underwear). We're primarily a monogamous culture—at least in theory—yet sexual boredom is also "now considered un- acceptable, the sign of a failing relationship," writes Kate Figes. Perhaps it's not our sex lives that are deteriorating but our expectations of what our private lives should look like—somewhere between the Kama Sutra and a Bollywood romance. In other words, we do not make space for lulls, droughts or temporary disinterest, because we are constant- ly reminded by online porn, mainstream films and advertis- ing that we should be having multiple orgasms all the time. While remaining faithful! Snooping happens when things have gone very wrong, so the snooping is only a symptom. Nevertheless, indulging it can make things worse. "e moment you start snooping, you put a block on the intimacy," says Creffield. Although by the time you start snooping, the intimacy may already have le the building; if you need to secretly spy on your other half, it's probably time to get help, have a serious talk or pack your bags. —Suzanne Harrington is the author of a memoir, e Liberty Tree. Relationships are supposedly about honesty and communication, but something is amiss february/march 2014 29 WLT-FEB-MAR-1-30.indd 29 1/30/14 1:10 AM